No matter how hard I try, I have a filthy mind. In fact, a group of high school kids figured it out. They'd tell naughty jokes and speak in double entendres just to see what I'd do. Usually, I'd choke back a snicker and reply, "That's not school appropriate!" Chortle, chortle.
My brain works against me, too. Whenever I misread or misunderstand, my brain automatically slips dirty words into song lyrics and books. For example:
Oh, it doesn't show signs of stopping,
and I brought some corn for popping...
Turned into:
Oh, it doesn't show signs of stopping,
and I brought some porn for copping.... (A feel?)
I accidentally did that into a microphone at our elementary school's Christmas sing-along. It was a good thing many of them were dyslexic because no one noticed.
So, yesterday I watched the Conan: The Musical video and got a pretty bad case of the giggles. Shortly after, my husband and I read bedtime stories to our song. My little boy chose a Little Einstein book about things Violet sees outside in the snow.
My boy wanted Mommy to read. Bad choice. What it was supposed to say was:
What does Violet see?
She sees her boot prints in the snow.
What Mommy said was:
What does Violet see?
She sees her boob prints in the snow.
I was already a little hysterical from "Da lamentations of da women..." I burst into a fit of snorting giggles and passed the book to my husband. "You read, I can't!" I choked out.
He read the next line.
They were deep and hollow.
More snorting, then a cackle.
The next line:
Then Violet took a picture.
That particular mental image sent me careening off my son's bed with gales of laughter. Thank you, Conan, for ruining any chance I could ever read that book again without sniggering.
UPDATE: Apparently I'm not the only one.
My second graders were practicing their Lewis and Clark-themed Christmas play last Thursday. The boy playing York was supposed to say, "Look! Native people!"
What came out was, "Look! Naked people!"
You do me proud, kid.
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